


Let's Try This Again

by FallLover



Series: It Started Out As a Feeling [3]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: All Human AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blowjobs, Depression, Fluff, Gun Violence, Gun-Related Injury, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, Modern AU, Substance Abuse, cole is alive, major fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-10-18 00:50:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17571146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallLover/pseuds/FallLover
Summary: Gavin gets injured on a case.





	1. What We Didn't Say

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [the problem with intent](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16766890) by [theslap (bigspoonnoya)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigspoonnoya/pseuds/theslap). 



> This is inspired by TheSlap (bigspoonnoya)'s "the other way to someday"/"the problem with intent" and tweets they made after "the problem with intent" was published. 
> 
> Minor backstory not shared in "Figuring Things Out" and "Confrontation": when Hank retired he went to work as an instructor at a local police academy. You do not need to have read my previous two fics to read this one, even though they are prequels. All you need to know is that Gavin and Niles were together at one point, but broke up prior to the story.

Hank was falling asleep when his cellphone went off. It’s not too late at night, but 11:30 PM isn’t a great time, and he had a long day teaching and getting ready for the next day. Police cadets are rough. Hank blinked at his nightstand, confused about what he was looking at.

            “Hank… phone…” Connor murmured before rolling away. His day was even longer than Hank’s.

            Hank groaned and grabbed the phone and put it to his ear. “H’lo?”

            “Hank? I’m sorry I woke you up.”

            “…Chris?”

            “Yeah um… I know this is going to be kind of weird…”

            Hank sat up in bed and stood, walking away so as not to disturb Connor. “Yeah a bit. What’s up?” He wasn’t close with Detective Chris Miller, really. They’d been friendly at work. Chatted a number of times. Chris was a new father and all that, and Hank had some experience in that department. They talked about their kids.

            “So Gavin was shot.”

            Hank blinked. “...What?”

            “He’s alive, but... it’s bad.”

            It had been a few months since Hank’s retirement, and he hadn’t seen Gavin but the once. But alarm bells went off in Hank’s head, waking him up more. Not that he necessarily cared about _Gavin_ , of all people, but the man had been his partner for over a year.

            “What happened? Do you need help?”

            “We were on a case. Perp pulled a gun… I got him, but Gavin’s in the hospital. He’s unconscious. He just came out of surgery. They don’t really know what’ll happen. Gonna be touch and go for a bit. I really just wanted to call because I don’t know who else to go to.”

            “…Is something else wrong?” At least Gavin was in a hospital and not bleeding out on the ground somewhere. But hospital meant really bad, not to mention ‘touch and go’.

            “I’ve been trying to reach family or an SO or something. Since you’re his last partner, I figured you’d know more about him. We’re still kind of warming up to each other, you know, he’s not that open about his personal life? He wasn’t dating anyone right?”

            Niles popped into Hank’s head, but that was over with as far as he knew. “Not that I’m aware, but I haven’t spoken to him since…” _He got drunk and tried to talk to Niles and I drove his drunk ass home_. “It’s been a long time. He might have met someone since.”

            “Yeah, but he never… Anyway, I was at least trying to find some family or something. But his emergency contact hasn’t been updated in ages, and that phone is wrong. I found a number for his parents from Fowler, but they hung up on me the first two times. And the third they told me not to call back unless he’s dead, so…”

            Hank felt something in him tighten.

            “I think he has a brother?” Chris said. “But I don’t know his number. I figured maybe you did…?”

            “No. And they’re not on good terms, either, so that’s…” Hank didn’t know what to do in this situation. Gavin hadn’t talked to Hank about his personal life much, either. Gavin knew about Cole. Hank had discussed the single father situation from the get-go. Gavin had babysat Cole a few times. Had seen him at Thanksgiving. Heard about some of the things happening at school. Knew Hank was with Connor. Even heard a few things about Hank’s parents. But in the entire year plus that Hank had known him, Hank knew next to nothing about Gavin’s personal life or family. Gavin had only mentioned the brother thing on a case where a brother had been the perp. The comment had slipped: “Damn I hate my brother too, but I wouldn’t murder the fucker. He’s just not worth it.” Gavin didn’t take vacations. Didn’t leave work early to meet with people. Niles was the only person Hank knew Gavin had some connection with, and that was primarily because Connor kept Hank up to speed on his brother’s goings-on. Niles certainly wasn’t forthcoming about it. And Niles… would not want to deal with Gavin right now.

            “Okay. Do you know if he has any friends or something? I mean I’m not leaving, but maybe someone else who should know? You know? In case… in case something happens?”

            “He’s friends with Tina right? Why not ask her?”

            “She’s out of the country on vacation. No cell service. Won’t be back for about a week. I already sent her a voicemail, some texts and an email, so hopefully she sees that soon.”

            And thus ended Hank’s knowledge of Gavin Reed’s social life. Sure, Gavin was an ass around work all the time, but surely he was close with someone besides Tina…? But if Chris didn’t know, then Hank definitely wouldn’t know.

            “And Fowler doesn’t…?” But Gavin didn’t get along with Fowler. Mostly. They didn’t loathe each other. But they weren’t like… close.

            “No, he doesn’t know. He’s dealing with all the shit from this too, and he’s been down here, you know, one of his guys in the hospital, but I mean, I love the guy, but it’s _Fowler_ , you know?”

            Hank laughed. “Yeah I know.” He scratched his head.

            He should say, ‘Sorry I can’t help Chris’ and call it a night. Crawl back in bed with Connor and go to sleep. So it was touch and go. Maybe nothing would happen. Maybe Gavin would be back out of the hospital in no time, no worse for the wear. It wasn’t like Hank and Gavin were really _friends_. Chris was there, after all. And Fowler. That was his current partner and his boss. What more could a guy ask for?

            Hank felt a hand on his shoulder and looked back to see Connor standing behind him looking worried.

            Hank would want Connor to be there, if it was him. He would and _wouldn’t_ want Cole to be there. He’d want his mom to know, and be there if she could. He’d want Cole’s maternal family to be told, so they would be braced. Heck, _Gavin_ would have been there, probably, if it was Hank. And probably Fowler too. And maybe some other off-duty cops. Even Niles would probably show up, if only to keep Connor company.

            Right now there was a guy, who was still a miserable asshole, lying on a hospital bed, in that terrifying ‘touch and go’ place so many people got into. He had no idea no one was there. Even if Hank and Chris managed to find someone, would he even really know? Only if he woke up, and then it wouldn’t matter right?

            Hank remembered dropping Gavin at his apartment that last time. He remembered those prescriptions on that sad looking counter. Remembered that bland ‘living’ space filled with empty beers and one cat and no pictures.

            _‘People don’t like me,’_ a drunk Gavin had let slip. And then giggled. Like it was funny.

            “…What hospital is it Chris?”

            He got the information from Chris and said he’d be there soon, then hung up.

            “What’s wrong?” Connor asked.

            Hank sighed and turned to him. “Gavin’s been injured pretty bad. He’s in a hospital. Apparently the doctors don’t know if he’ll make it.”

            “Oh my god.” Connor stared back at him.

            “Chris wanted to know if I knew any of Gav’s family’s numbers or friends or something… Apparently no one is coming. Tina is close with him, but she’s out of the country. I mean… I don’t know. I just… he probably wouldn’t even want me there…”

            Connor smiled. “You should go.”

            Hank laughed. “…Yeah. I figured. Can you stay and look after Cole? I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

            “Of course.”

            As Hank got something resembling civvies on, Connor added, hesitantly, “I think I should call Niles.”

            Hank sighed. “You sure that’s a good idea?”

            “No. But I should do it anyway.”

            “All right.”

* * *

 

            Niles was watching television when his phone rang. He picked it up and muted the TV. “Hello?”

            “Niles, something happened.”

            Niles was already alert. Connor was sometimes prone to exaggeration, but if he came right out about it, it was really bad. “Okay.”

            “Gavin’s in the hospital.”

            An iciness settled over Niles’ stomach, along with a slight tug of… of something.

            “He was injured on a case. The doctors aren’t sure if he’ll make it.”

            “…Okay.” There was something in Niles’ stomach. He didn’t know what. Maybe indigestion.

            “Apparently he’s alone. His family isn’t coming, and it’s just Detective Miller and their boss. Hank is heading over.”

            “…I see.”

            “You don’t know any numbers for him, like for his family or friends, maybe, do you?”

            “No. I’ve sat it on two conversations with Gavin’s brother and they weren’t… pleasant. But I don’t know a number for family or whatever. We never... I never met any of his friends.”

            “Do you want to know the name of the hospital?”

            Niles shut his eyes. “Connor…”

            “It’s up to you Niles.”

* * *

 

            Hank was sitting in Gavin’s hospital room, trying to not look too closely at the machines keeping Gavin alive. It felt too much like when his wife had died. And it was weird enough thinking about that, let alone thinking about Gavin in that situation. Chris was in the bathroom.

            The door opened and Hank looked up to see Niles poke his head through. The man looked tired, but he was staring at Gavin.

            “Hi,” Hank said.

            Niles looked at him, then back at Gavin.

            “You can come in and sit, you know,” Hank said.

            Niles stepped in and closed the door behind him. He sat in the only other chair, which was a bit closer to Gavin, watching the unconscious man the whole while.

            “Nothing’s changed. They still don’t know anything. Nurse should be by to check again in a bit.”

            “Okay.”

            “Connor called you?”

            “…Yeah.”

            Hank watched Niles. The man had gotten paler somehow when he was in the room. Probably wanted a smoke, too.

            “I can leave if you want.”

            “No, it’s… it’s fine. It’s not like we were…” Niles rolled his eyes. “It’s fine.”

* * *

 

            Hank had half-convinced Chris to go to a quiet lobby and take a nap. Chris was frazzled. He couldn’t get anyone for Gavin to come by; even knowing Niles was there didn’t seem to be enough. Chris had thanked Niles for coming. But he still felt like he could have done more. Gavin was shot. It was Chris’ partner on that bed. His first partner as a detective.

            Fowler had stepped in and made sure that Chris would lie down. He’d eyed Niles thoughtfully but hadn’t said anything. Niles still only had eyes for Gavin, although he’d briefly glanced at Chris and Fowler.

            Hours passed. Slowly. Niles wasn’t talkative, nor was Hank. Connor had texted a few times, saying that Cole was fine. Connor had also taken Sumo out for a quick walk.

            Niles didn’t hold Gavin’s hand or caress his cheek. Didn’t say anything to him. No curses about how stupid Gavin was. No begging to make it through. Silence.

            The problem with being a detective, or at least someone with a brain, is that you thought of things in long silences. He still thought Gavin was just going to come back from this. He was an asshole, but he could take a punch. He’d be fine.

            But the part of him that thought of the possibility that things could go very badly… That part refused to be quiet.

            He couldn’t stay here forever. And then what? Niles would just stick around? Hank had tried calling Gavin’s family. He’d spoken with both of Gavin’s parents. His mother had said not to call back. His father had said that if his family needed to be involved administratively that his lawyer would be in touch. And then hung up.

            Hank could figure that Gavin’s relationship with his own family wasn’t great. Gavin being who he was and spending Thanksgiving on his own before Connor stepped in… But still. What happened if the worst happened?

            Fowler would handle it. Hank didn’t even work at the DPD anymore. Fowler was better at this shit. It’s what they paid him the big money for.

            Hank stood up and stretched. “I’m gonna get a drink. You want anything?”

            “I’m fine, thank you.” Niles voice was quiet, but clear.

            Hank didn’t sigh. He left the room, closing the door behind him. He checked on Chris, who was fast asleep on a bench. Fowler was a short ways away on the phone, looking harassed. He met Hank’s eyes, glanced at Chris, then back at Hank, nodded, then focused back on the phone.

            Hank found a vending machine. He’d have gotten a coffee or something, but he didn’t like the canned coffee. He got a soda and a bottle of water.

            When he got back to Gavin’s room, Niles hadn’t apparently moved. He was still watching Gavin. Still in the same chair. Didn’t have his phone out. He looked up as Hank came back, then back to Gavin.

            Hank walked over and held out the drinks. “You want one?”

            Niles looked at him, then took the water. “Thank you.”

            Hank sat back down in his chair with the soda.

            Niles opened the water and took a small drink before closing it again.

            “Thanks for coming,” Hank said. “I know Chris said it but you know…”

            Niles sighed. “He kicked me out you know. I imagine you think it was me who left. Gavin kicked _me_ out.”

            Hank blinked at him and didn’t sigh. Niles was already on edge. So this is where they were, huh? “So you were officially dating?”

            “…I don’t know. Maybe.”

            “Didn’t think you did dating. Just… casual. Hook ups.”

            “That is what I normally do, yes.”

            “But this was different?”

            “It wasn’t true love or something out of a Hallmark movie if that’s what you’re expecting.”

            “Niles I’m not accusing you of anything. You had a thing with Gavin. It ended. You still showed up here. That’s a nice thing to do. It doesn’t mean… Well. It just _is_.” Hank scratched his head. “The guy’s got issues. I worked with him for over a year. I knew that. Heck, dude’s potentially on his deathbed and the only people around are his work partner, his boss, his ex-partner who’s not even on the force, and his ex. None of whom particularly count among his circle of friends. That… I mean I don’t know quite what that says but it says something.”

            “He never was great at making friends,” Niles said. “For a variety of reasons. His family is a piece of work, though. Coming from a piece of work family myself… and most people do, maybe. But the Reed family is special, maybe. The usual homophobia, religious fanaticism, elitism, that sort of thing.”

            “So… they knew about Gavin?”

            “Yes. Apparently the fallout was… something. Gavin didn’t talk about it much. Only a little when we got drunk on New Years. I believe he had the impression that talking about his life to me was a waste of my time.”

            Hank digested that statement. “And you… disagree?”

            “I’m not a therapist or a detective. If he didn’t want to talk about it, that was his call.”

            “But he got the impression from somewhere.”

            “Maybe it was all the fucking we did. Didn’t have much time for heart-to-heart conversation.”

            Hank _did_ sigh this time. “I was a cop for a long ass time, Niles. I’m in my second marriage and I have a kid. If you’re trying to appeal to my supposed prudish side to end the conversation, it’s not going to work. You don’t want to talk about your issues with Gavin, that’s fine. Was just trying to make small talk.”

            Niles was silent for a while. “Someone should feed Meatball. His cat. Probably hasn’t been fed since Gavin left for work this morning.”

            “Did you want to go?”

            Niles stood up and looked at Gavin. His mouth was pressed in a frown.

            “Actually I have a better idea,” Hank said. “Chris can go. It’d get him out of here for a bit. Fowler can take him. He needs the exercise.”

            Niles looked at him in surprise. Hank met the look with a steady gaze. Niles looked away again and sat down, watching Gavin.

            As Hank turned to leave the room, Niles said, “Thank you, Hank.”

            Once Fowler and Chris had gone, Hank returned to Gavin’s room. The sun was already coming up. Hank had already emailed work that he was probably going to have to call out for the day. He didn’t plan to stick around forever, but one day wouldn’t hurt. Niles had stepped out to call work, too, and go to the bathroom, but otherwise he was back in the same spot.

            A nurse showed up again on a usual check-up. And the doctor. The doctor told Hank that since things had held out this long, he was hopeful.

            Niles watched the doctor with a hard gaze. Hank could tell he was actually making the guy nervous, which was funny, given that Hank was the former cop and Niles was a librarian. The doctor finally left and Niles and Hank went back to their watch.

* * *

 

            When Gavin finally woke up, he was groggy and sounded like he’d been run over.

            “Phckin… where…?”

            Niles was up and by his side. Gavin blinked groggily at the ceiling, then looked at Niles.

            “…Niles…?”

            The doctor and nurses came in shortly, checking him over. The news was better. He’d gotten over the worst of it. Now it was just recovery.

            Chris was ecstatic and Fowler was keeping him out of the room. Hank wasn’t sure if he should stick around. The worst was over with. Niles didn’t seem willing to leave, either. Gavin hadn’t said anything to him, seeming surprised to see him there the second time he’d glanced Niles’ way. The doctor and nurses fussed over Gavin, so he hadn’t talked to anyone else. And he’d fallen asleep again shortly afterward.

            When Gavin next woke up some hours later, Niles was still there.

            “…Time is it…?”

            “Around lunchtime,” Niles said.

            Gavin turned his head a bit to look at Niles. The motion made him wince. “Why are you here?”

            “…Fuck if I know,” Niles replied.

            Hank quietly stepped out of the room to give them some privacy.

            Niles and Gavin studied each other. Gavin was groggy. Niles had no idea what he was seeing. Niles was still frazzled. He was used to sleep deprivation. It just happened. The tiredness was there. But he ignored it. He could use a cigarette, but he ignored it. He knew he looked a mess. Not neat and good. He felt dirty from a long night of sitting after a day where he hadn’t had a shower yet. He knew he was glaring.

            Gavin eventually shut his eyes. “So why are you still here then?”

            “I can leave if you want me gone.”

            “…It’s up to you. I already kicked you out once.”

            “So you got shot huh?”

            “Guess so. Hurts like shit.”

            “I can only imagine.”

            “Why are you here Niles?”

            “What do you want me to say? Do you want some sort of love confession? About how I think about you all the time? How I feel guilty? You made it clear how things were going to go from the start, and how you were fine with it anyway. And then _you_ kicked _me_ out because...” Niles sighed.

            “So why show up? In your shoes, I wouldn’t.”

            “They thought you might die, Gavin.”

            Gavin blinked at that. “Huh. Shit.”

            “Yeah. Apparently your family refused to show up.”

            Gavin snorted, then winced. “Not surprised.”

            “Well when you had no one coming in, your partner called Hank, and Connor called me.”

            “Huh.” Gavin thought this over for a while. “I don’t want your pity, Niles. I don’t… I don’t need it.”

            “It’s fine. I’m just here for Meatball. I was the one who said he needed to be fed, so we got that taken care of.”

            Gavin grimaced at another burst of pain and Niles waited until the expression faded. “Thanks for that, I guess. So why didn’t you just go feed him and leave?”

            “You really hate me being here don’t you?”

            “Are you just here because no one else would show up?”

            “Detective Miller is here. Fowler is here. Hank is here.”

            “So why aren’t you answering me straight? You just showed up to tell me you fed my cat?”

            Niles ran a hand over his face and stood up, walking over to the bed. He looked down at Gavin, who looked up at him with a tired glare.

            “I came because I heard you might die and some part of me, I think, cares about you. About your stupid face and your stupid humor and your stupid sarcasm. Also the sex is nice. Not like, record-breaking, but like nice. Also your muscles are nice.”

            Gavin just blinked at him.

            “And I didn’t like how we left things. I wanted to just not come. This is why I do hook-ups because… because relationships are too complicated, okay? People hurt you and sometimes it’s just by accident. Like… you weren’t trying to get yourself killed. You just work in a field where people have weapons that can kill you. So if I just didn’t come then maybe it would just be over. But I didn’t want to regret not showing up to see you.” Niles hesitantly reached out and brushed a hand over Gavin’s face, rubbing his cheek. Gavin swallowed and leaned into the hand.

            “Yeah it’s sappy and… and dumb. Kind of like you.”

            Gavin snorted, and then grunted in pain, turning away.

            “If you’d died and I never…” Niles huffed a laugh. “Well.”

            “I don’t want to guilt trip you into a relationship,” Gavin said, quietly. “Not again. I’m sorry I kicked you out. I’m sorry I was… am… an ass. I just… I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Roping you in like that, when it was obvious you... I’d rather just go back to hookups with strangers than… _that_.”

            Niles smiled. “You thought what we had was a guilt trip? I can assure you that I wouldn’t have stuck around if that’s what it was.”

            Gavin looked up at him in confusion. Niles was still lightly caressing his cheek. “Huh?”

            “I stuck around because you were interesting. Because… you wanted to be with me even if you knew it would hurt you in the long run. Because I didn’t understand why that made me feel something. That’s never really been a thing for me – someone liking me enough to put themselves through hell. Because maybe I started liking you then, but didn’t understand it. Because being in a relationship with you wasn’t bad. Although we can definitely improve it.”

            “I… I can’t do… I can’t do empty sex or whatever, Niles. Not anymore. With you. I just…” Gavin grimaced.

            “It’s not going to be like that. I’ve already said I like you like three times just now and you don’t seem to get it. I’ve talked with Connor, with friends, hell, even my damn therapist... I’m trying to be better at the whole... emotionally available thing. Unless... Do you still like me?”

            Gavin blushed. “…Maybe.”

            Niles grinned slyly. “Oh. Well. With talk like that you’ll make me blush.” Niles leaned down and placed a tender, light kiss on Gavin’s dry lips, and another just over his eyes. He touched their foreheads together and said, “We can talk more when you don’t have a bullet hole in your stomach.”

            “Mmm…”

            As Niles pulled away, Gavin murmured, already falling asleep again, “Can you… can you stay?”

            “Of course I’ll stay, Gavin.”

            Niles pulled his chair forward until he could sit while holding Gavin’s hand. He watched Gavin slowly fall asleep.

* * *

 

            Hank hung up his phone – he’d been chatting with Connor about coming home – and peeked back into Gavin’s room after a while. Gavin was asleep. Niles had his head pillowed on the side of the bed and was asleep, too. Niles’ right hand clasped Gavin’s.

            Hank smiled and stepped quietly back out of the room, shutting the door.

            Gavin didn’t get to leave the hospital just yet. Not with an injury like that. Fowler dealt with a lot of press. A cop was shot and nearly died after all, and a suspect was killed. It was a lot of noise and action. Fowler worked hard to keep it all away from Gavin, who was oddly not into it. Niles didn’t leave the whole time, except once for a really long smoke break while Gavin was in the bathroom. When Niles returned, he stank of cigarettes, but no one said anything about it.

            The doctor said that Gavin would do better if someone could be with him while he recovered. Niles chimed in as Chris opened his mouth and said, “I’ll stay with him.”

            The doctor looked at Gavin. Gavin nodded, looking at his legs. Niles was still holding his hand.

            Hank did help by loading Gavin into Hank’s car when Gavin was finally allowed to go home – Niles only had his bike, and that would have been a disaster. Chris had offered. Probably would have carried Gavin alone if asked. But Hank told Chris to follow up with Fowler and spend some time with his family.

            Gavin was already tired when he finally got in the car, and fell asleep against Niles’ shoulder during the drive.

            Hank and Niles got Gavin up and into Gavin’s apartment. Meatball was ecstatic to see Gavin and Niles. He ran around their feet, meowing. Hank and Niles put Gavin on the bed.

            At the front door, Hank scratched his head and looked around. “So you’ll be fine?”

            “Yes. I believe so,” Niles replied as he refilled Meatball’s water bowl. “Thank you for the help.”

            “No problem.” Hank still felt awkward just leaving. “You know I’m honestly surprised you haven’t gone on more smoke breaks. I can grab something for you if you’d like?”

            “I think I’ll be fine. I finished off the pack I had.”

            “…Okay?”

            “I’ve decided to quit smoking.”

            Hank blinked at him. “Huh?”

            “It’s a waste of money, bad for the environment, yellows the teeth, destroys cars, and harms the people around me. Not to mention the personal health hazard.”

            “When did you… just… what?”

            “Oh I’m not turning over a new leaf,” Niles said, smiling at Hank. “I’m not planning on giving anything else up. Like the alcohol or the pot or the bike or the sex.”

            “Aaaand he’s back,” Hank said, shaking his head. He waved and said, “Later Niles. Call if you need anything.”

            Hank left and Niles locked the door. He went to the bedroom and saw that Gavin was sort of sitting up, blinking.

            “Oh I thought… you’d left…”

            “Just said bye to Hank. You should lie down.”

            Niles took his shirt off and toed off his shoes, then crawled onto the bed as Gavin leaned back down. Niles scooted over so that he was next to Gavin and lay on his side, trying to not squish Gavin’s chest while still being close. Meatball hopped up on the bed and crawled over. Niles picked him up before he hopped on Gavin’s stomach and put him in the cushions behind their heads. Meatball grumbled but settled.

            Gavin turned his head a bit so their heads touched and shut his eyes. “Probably… stink… I need to take a shower…”

            “We can do that after the nap.”

            “Okay.”

            Niles pulled the blanket over them both and settled back some more, listening to Gavin’s breathing.

* * *

 

            They did end up taking a long, slow shower. Gavin was still in too much pain to move much, so Niles ended up doing most of the cleaning for them both. He didn’t make it _too_ sexy, because they did need to get clean and a lot of what he wanted to do in the shower would just make things worse, but Niles did linger with his hands in certain places and put kisses in lots of places. There was a long kiss between them near the end, where Gavin clutched Niles tightly around his middle, like he was afraid the other man would disappear.

            Niles helped Gavin out of the shower and they towelled off. They ended up sitting in pajamas on Gavin’s couch. Niles used a pair of Gavin’s old sweatpants – they’re the wrong size, but they’re large enough that they fit Niles fine. Gavin leaned on Niles while they watched a movie. Niles stroked Gavin’s arm slowly. Already this was all more than they’d done before. They weren’t cuddlers, really – largely because it wasn’t something that Niles did, and it wasn’t something Gavin was used to, given, well, his life. They’d made _some_ headway with it over the course of their relationship. But the touch… Niles could write it off as Gavin being exhausted and out of it. But probably something he wanted. And Niles… wanted the touch, too. Gavin did almost die. Every touch reminded him that Gavin didn’t.

            Niles had asked himself: _is_ this just guilt? But it wasn’t guilt that made him want to storm right back in after Gavin kicked him out and tell him to fuck himself for thinking he could just end the relationship because he got scared. That Gavin was wrong.

Niles hadn’t been thinking about Gavin _all_ the time. But he’d be lying if he said he never thought of the man, and hadn’t thought of him at least a couple times a day. If he didn’t look at his phone hoping for a phone call or a text. Not sure what he wanted to hear in that communication, but still somehow wanting it all the same. Not sure what to say about anything. Not sure what that uncomfortable feeling in his stomach was whenever Gavin came to mind. Gavin’s drunken encounter with Niles had left him startled and hollow, like he’d been punched in the gut. And not in the “I never should have continued our non-casual sex thing” way, but in the “this shouldn’t have ended like this” way.

            It wasn’t guilt. Not when every time Niles' fingers brushed Gavin’s arm, making the other man press closer to Niles, Niles felt a small bit of warmth go through him.

            “I swear when you’re all better we are having so much sex,” Niles said.

            Gavin sniggered. “Promise?”

            “Yes.”

            “Kay.” Gavin sighed and shut his eyes. “I want to give you a blowjob right now but I feel like I’d fall asleep.”

            “Shame,” Niles said. “I’ll hold you to it though.” Niles continued brushing Gavin’s arm and added, “I’m surprised you haven’t demanded a smoke yet. I know you weren’t smoking all the time like me but even with the injury…”

            “Gave em up,” Gavin said, opening his eyes and looking at the ground. “After… after I kicked you out. It just… it reminded me of you.”

            Niles digested that in silence for a bit.

            “Also it meant more money and time for alcohol, so. Between all the drinking and work I just… didn’t.”

            Niles sighed and squeezed Gavin’s shoulder. “Well. So what do you do at work when you get frustrated?”

            “Coffee runs. And… um…” Gavin was blushing now.

            “…What?”

            “Well… Tina… got me a fidget spinner. As a gag.”

            Niles smiled. Gavin's flush was worse. “And you use it?”

            “Well it was just going to be out of spite but it’s actually pretty helpful when I you know… get fidgety. I kind of just zone out for a bit.”

            Niles laughed, but squeezed Gavin’s shoulder. “Wow. Well I mean… that’s… that’s good, though, I guess. Plenty of people use them for that. It's a good alternative outlet.” Niles shook his head, then glanced at Gavin. “What color is it?”

            “…Pink.”

            Niles laughed again. “She knows you too well.”

            “Oh fuck off.”

            Niles leaned his head on Gavin’s. “Well, I quit, too. Smoking.”

            “What? But before you—”

            “Yeah it was a decision I made after you woke up at the hospital. I didn’t want to be around you getting you sicker.”

            “I’m not like… ill, Niles… Just injured.”

            “Yeah. But we both make enough dumb, unhealthy life decisions without smoking being in the mix. And it’ll make Connor happier, so.”

            “Oh well,” Gavin said, primly. “If it makes _Connor_ happy…”

            “He’s my brother, dumbass, and I love him.”

            “I know.” Gavin squished himself more against Niles. “I’m… I’m happy you quit. That’s cool. Cold turkey and all that is gonna be rough though.”

            “Yeah. But I have other things to distract me. Like you. And all the sex shit we will be doing once your stomach isn’t broken anymore.”

            “Aren’t you like… a librarian? Don’t you know more words than that?”

            “Yes, but I need to speak on an intellectual level that you’ll comprehend.”

            “Dick.”

            “And you love it.”

            “…Yeah. I do.” Gavin shut his eyes. “I really do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Niles quitting smoking the way he does is actually modeled after a family member of mine. They’ve been clean for over three decades, and quit around the same age, so I’m hopeful on Niles’ end. Also, I'm not disparaging fidget spinners. I just feel like that's how this version of Niles and Gavin would interact about it.


	2. Time Off

“This is going to be a disaster,” Hank murmured as they walked up to Gavin’s apartment.

            “You’re being too pessimistic,” Connor said. “I’m sure it’ll be over before you know it.” Connor was happily holding a crock pot of his homemade chili. It was one of Hank’s favorites, which, Hank realized, was likely a big reason Connor picked it.

            Connor had the idea to bring something over while Gavin was still convalescing. To help Niles a little bit. To see how things were. Hank thought it felt a bit intrusive, until he realized that it was Connor’s way of saying that he was worried about Niles. Which led to a whole conversation where Connor felt like he’d guilted Niles into the whole thing and Niles probably hated him and Connor would deserve it and—

            “I’m sure that’s not the case,” Hank said. “I don’t know what they said to each other, but I think it needed to be said. What I have learned thus far is that getting any one of us to sit down and talk straight to each other takes a damn miracle, and no one is better proof of that than Gavin and your brother.”

            So here they were, standing at Gavin’s door. Hank had a bag of drinks and snacks that Connor thought would be nice to bring. Hank knocked.

            After a minute, Niles opened the door. He was wearing a dark blue sweater and jeans and his make-up was spotless. His expression was his usual blank look, but he did smile slightly when he locked eyes with Connor.

“Hello.” He stepped back and let them in.

            Connor looked around curiously. He’d never been to Gavin’s place.

            “You don’t have to be quiet,” Niles said as he shut the door, “but Gavin did fall asleep. He’s on the couch.” Niles looked over Connor’s burden. “You made food?”

            “Yes, some chili.”

            “All right we can put it over here.” Niles led Connor to the kitchen area.

            Hank walked over to the couch. He looked over and spotted Gavin laying longwise on it, his eyes closed and his mouth half open. Gavin wore generic gray pajama pants and a sweatshirt that read, “Powered By Coffee.” Meatball sat curled in his arm and looked up at Hank thoughtfully.

            Niles walked over and leaned over the couch to gently shake Gavin’s shoulder. “Gavin. Connor and Hank are here.”

            Gavin murmured and wrinkled his nose, then blearily opened his eyes. He blinked up at Hank, then winced. Niles walked around the couch and leaned over to help Gavin sit up.

            “Sorry… fell asleep…”

            “It’s fine.”

            “We could always eat over there if it’s easier for Gavin,” Connor called as he set up the food in bowls Niles had taken out for him.

            “It probably would be easier, but he might fall asleep before he eats something, and he should eat.” Niles helped Gavin stand and walk over to the island. “He skipped dinner last night, and breakfast today.”

            “Just not hungry,” Gavin said quietly.

            “You look like roadkill, Gav,” Hank said, walking behind them and standing by the island.

            “You too Anderson.” The response seemed to bring some color and expression to Gavin’s face, even if it was a bit of a glare.

            Hank grinned. He watched Niles help Gavin onto a stool.

            “It’s nice to see you again Gavin,” Connor said with a smile as he put the filled bowls on the island. “I’m sorry you’re still so poorly. I hope you have a speedy recovery.”

            “…Thanks.” Gavin looked down at the chili. “What’s this?”

            “Chili! A recipe I found in college. It’s pretty popular wherever I take it, so I figured this might be good.”

            “It smells nice. Thank you.”

            Hank put the drinks he brought on the island and Niles walked around to pull some cups out of the cabinet.

            Meatball, curious about everything, hopped up on an empty chair, then up onto the counter.

            “Is…he? Allowed up here?” Hank asked, looking at Gavin.

            “Yeah… You can just shoo him though. He’ll leave eventually.” Gavin reached out and picked up Meatball, petting him. Gavin still seemed kind of dazed. Hank wondered if it was the sleep, the injury, or the company.

            “He’s cute!” Connor said, looking at the cat. “Will he be bothered that Hank and I probably smell like dog?”

            “I’m not really sure,” Gavin replied. “He doesn’t seem annoyed.” He looked at Hank thoughtfully.

            Hank raised an eyebrow, then reached out for Meatball.

            Gavin handed the cat over, and Hank slowly moved around so Meatball would adjust. Meatball didn’t try to escape. He sniffed Hank thoughtfully.

            “Sorry,” Hank said. “Been a while since I handled a cat I guess. Sort of similar to a puppy, though.” He petted Meatball while Connor came over to look and smiled at the cat.

            “Aww… he’s just so cute! It’s Meatball right?”

            “Yeah,” Gavin said.

            Hank handed the cat to Connor, who cuddled him gently. Meatball started to purr.

            “Well that answers that question,” Hank said.

            Niles finished pouring drinks – it was just flavored water – and set them out, then handed out silverware.

            Connor put Meatball on the floor and sat down at the island.

            Hank felt like the whole situation was weird. Sure, they’d all been at a table together before. But still… this was weird.

            Niles sat next to Gavin, watching him the whole while. It seemed to take a lot effort for Gavin to pick up his spoon, scoop up some chili, and bring it to his mouth. He chewed slowly.

            “Is it all right?” Connor asked, looking at Gavin as well. “Not too spicy or anything? You can be honest. It won’t hurt my feelings or anything.”

            Once Gavin swallowed, he looked up and smiled a little, “It’s good. Really good. Thanks.”

            Connor smiled back.

            As they continued to eat, with Hank excusing himself from conversation by enjoying the food, Connor perked up again and said, “So I brought some tea if you want to try that. And some cookies. I don’t know if you’ll like them Gavin, but please try them if you’d like.”

            Gavin looked up and said, “Uh… thanks. You didn’t have to…”

            “It’s no trouble. I wanted to.” Connor smiled again and Gavin looked down at his bowl, embarrassed.

            “Oh and Cole says he hopes you feel better soon,” Hank said. “He just knows you were injured, so.”

            “He’s at his grandparents’ place right?” Niles asked.

            “Yeah.”

            They eventually moved back to the couch area. Niles sat with Gavin leaning on him, and Niles’ arm wrapped around him. Connor sat on Niles’ other side. Hank took the spare chair. Niles turned on a nature documentary, and they all chatted quietly for a bit. Gavin even contributed, but eventually he went quiet and shortly fell asleep on Niles.

            “It’s still hard for him to sleep through the night,” Niles said, looking over at Gavin. “The pain, I think. Even with the painkillers. It’s getting better. But he’s been really tired.”

            “It’s no problem,” Hank said. “I got shot when I was younger. _Way_ younger,” Hank said when Connor looked at him in alarm. “I was so out of it, I barely remember… Cole’s mom had stories, though, so I know some of how I was. I remember sleeping a lot.”

            “We could move him to his bed?” Connor said.

            “No it’s all right,” Niles said. “If he’s sleeping where he is, I’d like him to get what he can out of it. Moving him will just wake him up. As long as it doesn’t bother you.”

            “It’s mostly just weird seeing him so… docile,” Hank said. “I am really not used to that. Definitely not how he was at work.”

            “I can only imagine what it’s like to actually work with Gavin,” Niles said. He lightly rubbed Gavin’s right arm, which Hank noticed, but said nothing about.

            “Keep it to the imagination. Or just don’t think about it.” Hank grinned.

            “Are you doing okay on everything otherwise?” Connor asked. “Not feeling… I don’t know… claustrophobic or antsy?”

            “I miss work, but I should be able to go back soon enough. I have enough time off that it’s not a big deal. And there’s plenty to watch on TV. I go out on food runs if I feel antsy. The nice thing about taking care of someone who spends most of the time sleeping is that it’s easy to get a lot of reading done, so there’s that.”

            Connor smiled. “It’s weird seeing you play… well… nursemaid.”

            “Not really me, huh?”

            “No you’re plenty into that. At least with me. I’ve never seen you do it with someone else, though.”

            Niles shrugged.

            “It’s nice, Niles.”

            Hank swallowed and stood up. “I gotta… use the bathroom.” Hank walked over and shut the door.

            Connor was quiet for a bit, holding his drink in his hands. “I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry for guilt tripping you into visiting the hospital.”

            “You didn’t guilt trip me. I mean maybe that was your intention somehow, but that wasn’t… I wanted to go. Gavin and I had things to figure out. And because we’re both how we are, and I’m how I am… that was never really going to happen on its own.” He looked at Connor. “I’m… glad you called me. And told me.”

            “Really?”

            “Really.”

            Connor smiled sadly. “You’ve just… been down for so long. But you seem… happier.”

            “I think I am.”

            “That’s good.”

            Connor lightly squeezed Niles’ shoulder before letting go.

* * *

           Tina grinned as Niles opened Gavin’s apartment door to her. “So… you must be Niles.”

            “…Officer Chen?” Niles replied as he looked her over. Gavin had told him Tina was coming over today, but he hadn’t had a time. Thankfully it was the weekend, so work wasn’t an issue.

            “Just Tina, please. I’d shake your hand but I don’t feel like whacking you with something.” She lightly lifted her arms to indicate her overstuffed tote bags.

            Niles smiled and said, “I understand.” He stepped back and let Tina walk past him. “Gavin is lying down. I can get him if you—?”

            “No it’s all right.” Tina set her bags down on the island, making sure they were stable, then walked to the bedroom. Niles watched her and followed, curious. Gavin had never had anyone else besides him over at his place during their relationship. Yet Tina clearly seemed familiar with the place.

            Tina paused at the doorway. She didn’t turn the light on, but Niles heard a heavy intake of breath before she started walking again. She crouched by the side of the bed where Gavin lay. She reached out and lightly rubbed his right shoulder. “Hey big guy, how you feelin?”

            “Mmnn… whazit… Tina?” Gavin blinked himself awake and turned his head to look at her.

            “Sup?”

            Gavin grumbled. “The fu… why’re you here?”

            “To see your big ugly mug, sunshine. We texted and I said I’d come over, remember?”

            “Oh. Time is it?”

            “Little after 10 AM.”

            Gavin sighed.

            Niles stayed by the doorway for a moment, then walked away, to give them privacy.

            Tina sat down on the floor and leaned against the bed. Gavin still looked over at her groggily.

            “So I finally met the mysterious boyfriend. He’s cute.”

            “Yeah.”

            “We’re gonna do something big when you get back to work, you know. I’m talking strippers jumping out of a cake, shot roulette, karaoke…”

            Gavin snorted. “I’d love to see the look on Fowler’s face when you try that…”

            Tina laughed. “What you think I’d do it _in the office?_ Damn that’d be something…”

            “How’s… work?”

            “The place hasn’t fallen down. Yet. Chris had a brief holiday but he’s back. He come to visit?”

            “Yeah. At least Niles said he did.”

            “Mm. Well, he’s a bit on edge. Feels like he screwed up big time, I imagine.”

            “Not his fault…”

            “Oh we don’t blame him. It’s just a thing, you know?”

            “Mmm… yeah, sorry I’m not like… you know… these painkillers are fuckin… blah…”

            Tina grinned. “Aww, poor baby. They got you on the good stuff, though?”

            “Dunno. Too tired to notice.”

            Tina’s expression softened as she glanced at the door. “So you and Niles are back together. I heard from Chris and I got some of it out of Anderson. Is it… are you okay?”

            Gavin blinked. “I think… I think so. It’s better. We talked.”

            “Huh. Well. If he hurts you I’ll kill him, okay?”

            “Thanks.”

* * *

            Tina eventually left the bedroom when Gavin fell asleep. She hugged herself just out of the room, then looked up and smiled at Niles. “It’s just… you know… I was gone and he… he could’ve… I’m glad he’s okay. For all he’s a dick most of the time. They must have him on _some_ painkillers for him to be that tame.” She walked to the island and started pulling things out of the bags. “I brought back some sweets from my trip. And I got some chips and drinks for your stocks, since I know you’re both kinda stuck here.” She piled her loot on the island and folded the empty tote bags up. All that was left was a lumpy cat-sized wrapped package.

            She indicated the parcel and said, “This is for him to open whenever. Just something I picked up…” She smiled sadly. Then she looked at Niles. “You drink, right?”

            “Yeah.”

            “We should go drinking sometime. You know. Have the whole friend to boyfriend talk. Gavin… he’d punch a wall to deal with his feelings if he could, even if he broke his hand. I know whatever happened between you two fucked him up a lot. I want to be sure that doesn’t happen again.”

            “I’m… trying my best to ensure that. I care for him.”

            “I can tell,” Tina replied. “Staying with him like this doesn’t scream ‘asshole ex’ to me…” She waved her hand. “From what little Gav has said to me, you sound perfect for each other. Maybe too perfect. Emotional constipation squared.”

            Niles snorted.

Tina laughed. “Well that’s true of a lot of people I guess. But you know… he was getting better, I think, before whatever happened, happened. More talkative. Actually having conversations that weren’t entirely swear words with people at the office. Even went out to drinks with people who weren’t me. It was weird, but nice. And Chris… I think the whiplash of a nice-ish Gavin to a somehow worse Gavin who wasn’t talking to _anyone_ was not great. I can only tell Gavin to get fucked so often when he refuses to talk about it and just wants to dick around. If you noticed, I’m not a therapist. But trying to get Gavin to talk to you straight is like getting water out of a stone.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Anyway. Just to say… I’ll be watching okay? If something goes wrong, I know where to look.”

            Niles met her hard gaze and held it, then smiled. “Noted. It’s nice to know Gavin has a friend like that.”

            Tina laughed. “Well somebody has to be there for his dumb ass. But I also know what he’s like. If you need… I mean we don’t know each other. You seem like a decent dude, for all I’ve know you 10 minutes sort of. The offer for drinks is open. If you need help with the curiosity that is Detective Gavin Reed, I’m your guidebook.”

            Niles snorted again. “Thank you. Really. I think… I mean we’re learning this together. It’s my first time really doing this whole… committed relationship thing. Sometimes I’m grateful my brother has more experience with this and keeps sending me advice. Other times I have to remind myself that I still love my brother and that I don’t want to strangle him for making me realize far too much about his relationship with Hank.”

            Tina grinned. “Well Connor seems like a good egg from what I’ve seen of him. You’ve… met? Gavin’s brother?”

            “Not personally. I’ve heard them talking.”

            “Yeah he’s a real bag of shit right?”

            “Yes. To be polite.”

            “Oh darling, don’t hold back for my sake.”

            “To perfectly describe Jon Reed would take far more insults and time than I’m willing to devote to the man.”

            Tina blinked, then laughed, covering her mouth her hand as she glanced at the bedroom door. “Yeah I like you.”

* * *

 

            Niles and Gavin ate dinner that night while watching some random TV. Gavin was a bit more awake and even a bit jovial. Niles reasoned that seeing Tina made him happier. When Gavin finished eating, Niles took his bowl and exchanged it for Tina’s present.

            Gavin eyed the bundle suspiciously.

            “It’s from Tina,” Niles said as he put the bowl on the island.

            Gavin pulled the snowflake-covered wrapping off. It revealed a lumpy rainbow-colored cloth-covered bundle. Gavin pulled the cloth back to reveal a small dark brown teddy bear. The bear wore a beach hat and a t-shirt that read “Life’s a beach.”

            Gavin snorted. He put the bear on the table and looked at the cloth, which was actually a scarf. Niles picked up the bear and moved it to Gavin’s desk to keep it away from Meatball, who seemingly stayed away from the desk. Meatball had a tendency to steal socks, and Niles didn’t want to test things with a small, plushy object.

            “It looks nice,” Niles said as he walked back to the couch to see Gavin rubbing the scarf with his fingers.

            “Yeah… Tina’s… good people…”

            Niles took the scarf out of his fingers and lightly wrapped it around Gavin’s neck and shoulders.

            Gavin glared at him. The ensemble – brightly colored scarf over overlarge pajama shirt, baggy sweatpants, and slippers, all while Gavin had late day scruff on – was not too becoming.

            Niles laughed and lightly brushed Gavin’s cheek. “You look hilarious.”

            “Fuck off.”

            Niles leaned in and kissed Gavin on the lips. When he eventually pulled away he said, “Mmm… promises.”

* * *

 

            Chris smiled brightly as Gavin opened the apartment door. Chris was wearing jeans, a warm jacket, and a dark red t-shirt. Gavin was cognizant enough to try and school his usual glare into… something less, but he wasn’t sure how effective it was. It probably didn’t help that Gavin was wearing a sweatshirt that read “My Anger Management Class Pisses Me Off’.

            “Hi Gavin!”

            “…Chris? The fuck are you doing here?”

            “Came to say hi!” He held up a pizza box. “And um… brought some food? You liked this place that time we got some a while back… I think?”

            Gavin stared down at the pizza box for a bit, rolled his eyes and stepped back, letting Chris come in. Gavin shut the door behind him and took the pizza box, carrying it to the kitchen island.

            Meatball meowed and walked up to the newcomer. Chris smiled down at the cat and leaned down to pet him. “This is your cat? It’s cute!”

            “Yeah. That’s Meatball.” Gavin set the pizza box on the island and went to get some plates out.

            “So you’re up and about now huh?” Chris asked as he stood up.

            “A bit. Still on pain meds, though. At least that lets Niles go back to work.”

            “Is Niles not around?”

            “Yeah. He’s at work right now.”

            “So… He seemed… nice? I mean, we barely talked, except for that time I was here before and you were really out of it and he was just kind of like… ‘I don’t know you but I know you’re worried but everything’s fine’ and all that…”

            Gavin shrugged. “How’s work?”

            “Oh it’s… it goes. It’ll be great when you come back. Then we can get some real casework done. Now I’m sort of shuffling between people who could sort of use a little help. Fowler’s keeping me off anything big while I’m on my own, so… Yeah.”

            “Sorry. Hope I’ll be back soon.”

            “At least you get a long vacation right?” Chris said with a pained smile. “I mean… a lot of sleep and stuff?”

            “It’s kind of really boring.”

            “Oh.”

            Gavin opened the pizza box and looked it over, then snagged a piece. He handed a spare plate to Chris so Chris could help himself.

            Chris rubbed a finger on the island and said, “You know I… I’m sorry all this happened, man. I should have been more watchful.”

            “It’s not your fault, Chris. Neither of us saw it coming.”

            “I know, I just… I feel like there was something…”

            “I’m alive. You’re alive. Neither of us are permanently injured. Once I get back to work, it’ll all be water under the bridge or whatever, right?”

            Chris looked at him. Gavin was looking out the window and chewing his pizza. It was odd, to hear such… neutral, almost nice commentary from Gavin.

            “Yeah… Thanks. I’m just… glad to see you okay and all. Hope the rest of your recovery goes well.”

            “Thanks. And thanks for the pizza.”

* * *

 

            Niles opened Gavin’s apartment door and put his bag on the floor as he shrugged out of his jacket. Meatball meowed by his feet and Niles smiled down at the cat as he set his coat on the rack. Meatball wandered off to the couch and Niles followed. He noticed the pizza box on the island.

            Gavin was lying on his side on the couch, asleep. His phone was dropped on the floor under his left hand, which was hanging off the side of the couch.

            Niles smiled. It was… odd, to be happy about these sorts of things. Usually he’d be in the mood to do something. Like… get high or go somewhere. Now… he felt some odd mixture of warmth whenever they had nice, calm, quiet moments. He walked around to pick up Gavin’s phone and set it on the coffee table. Then he crouched down and lightly brushed a hand over Gavin’s scruffy cheek.

            Gavin grumbled and opened his eyes, blinking at Niles. “Niles…?”

            “Good evening.”

            Gavin pushed himself up into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes. “Time is it?”

            “Just after dinner, I guess. You ordered pizza?”

            “Chris brought it over. He was here… left a few hours ago.”

            “Well that was kind of him.”

            Niles walked back to the counter, checking the box. There was plenty left. Apparently Chris and Gavin weren’t huge eaters. At least on Gavin’s part, it wasn’t surprise: he was only just starting to get his appetite back. At least he wasn’t skipping meals anymore.

            “How was work?” Gavin asked.

            “Good. I helped a class pick out poems for a project.”

            “Oh. Cool, I guess…?”

            Niles shrugged and picked up a cold slice of pizza. He bit a piece off and felt arms wrap around his middle. He felt Gavin’s head settle on his back. Niles rested his free hand on Gavin’s wrist, squeezing lightly. “You all right?”

            “Yeah. Missed you.”

            Niles smiled. “I’m surprised. I figured you’d be pushing me out the door by this point.”

            Gavin squeezed a bit harder. “Pfft. Don’t even… don’t even joke about that…”

            Niles put the pizza down and turned around so he could pull Gavin to his chest and hug him back. “Yeah that… I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry.”

            “Well… you never really did get out everything you were probably thinking about how I kicked you out, so. I get it.”

            “Mm… How about I promise to take my revenge when you’re not so pathetic and unfuckable due to your recovery and painkillers, mmm?”

            Gavin snorted. “Aight.”


	3. Moving Forward Together

“I think we should move in together,” Niles said one evening. He was lying on Gavin’s bed, nude, while Gavin was on his stomach next to him, texting Tina. Gavin’s calves were up in the air, bouncing back and forth, and Niles was watching them.

            Gavin paused while reading a message and looked at Niles. “Huh?”

            “We should move in together. I mean… if you want to,” Niles said again.

            Gavin’s legs stopped moving and Niles sighed before looking at Gavin’s face.

            “You… you want that?” Gavin asked, putting the phone down.

            “It would be easier. Less awkwardness about whose place to stay at. Two salaries for one apartment is more economical. I could make sure Meatball gets fed regularly when you have overtime.”

            “Oh of course it’s about the stupid cat,” Gavin muttered as he turned away and put his face in the pillows.

            Niles moved over and rolled his fingers down Gavin’s left side, making Gavin jump slightly at the touch. Niles continued down to Gavin’s hip, then down to his legs, doing a sort of massage on Gavin’s thigh. Gavin moaned softly.

            “And…” Niles continued. “I think… I’m used to sleeping next to you.”

            Gavin looked up from the pillows. “You…”

            Niles focused on rubbing Gavin’s leg, which was… very distracting for Gavin as well. Gavin made an aborted “Nnnn—” sound and squeezed the blankets.

            “I still come over here more than my own place. Not just because I want to make sure you’re okay, even though you’ve been recovered for a while now. But because… I like not being alone in my bed. I like waking up next to you. And Meatball too, for different reasons.”

            Niles moved so that his face was against Gavin’s left calf, and nuzzled the skin with his nose.

            Gavin shook, but he still got out, “I like-fuck-I like… waking up… next to you, too.” He buried his face in the pillows again to muffle his cry when Niles kissed the back of Gavin’s left knee. He pulled his head up to gasp for air. “I’m… not against the idea. I just figured you… fuck, Niles! I figured you wanted… the space!” His voice went up slightly as Niles placed kisses down Gavin’s right thigh, occasionally licking the skin.

            Niles paused and added, “I don’t want to do it just because _I_ want to do it. Is it something _you_ want to do?”

            Gavin took a moment just to breathe. Then he looked over his shoulder and met Niles’ eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I… I’d love to do that. To move in together.”

            Niles smiled.

* * *

 

 “I think he likes it,” Gavin said, watching Meatball wander around Niles’ apartment. Gavin honestly wasn’t _really_ into this particular bit, but the last word wasn’t his.

            Picking Niles’ place of their two apartments seemed the obvious choice. It was nicer and bigger, and a better fit for two. Gavin and Niles had already started the process of boxing up Gavin’s stuff for a move. Connor had volunteered to help, with Hank’s addition. Thankfully Gavin didn’t have that much that was large.

            Niles sat at his kitchen island, watching Meatball inspect the area. He knew the place would still likely smell like his last cat, so he was more bothered by _that_ than by more fur. Meatball settled on the couch and promptly fell asleep.

            “Well I guess that settles it,” Niles said.

            “Yeah.” Gavin scratched his head.

            “Do you really want this?” Niles asked. “You’ve been uncomfortable all day.”

            “No it’s…” Gavin sighed and sat across from Niles. “I’ve just been at my place forever. And I never… well… I’ve never _moved in_ with someone. Or had someone move in with me. It’s a big deal, you know? Weird is all.” He watched Niles. “But nice. And worth it.”

            “Hmm…” Niles smiled slyly at him. “Is it?”

            Gavin blushed slightly and looked down.

            “You know it is.”

            Niles laughed. “I just like it when you say it. Want a drink?”

            “Fuck yes.”

* * *

 Niles didn’t have a spare room at his place, but he did have a big couch. They might have been living together but Gavin could tell that sometimes Niles just wanted space. Those nights he’d take a blanket from the closet and go lie on the couch for the night. Niles didn’t say anything about it the first time or second time. The third time Gavin woke up to see Niles glaring down at him. It was still nighttime.

“What are you doing?”

“I... um...”

“Do you not like the bed?”

“No, the bed is fine.”

“You just prefer the couch.”

“No... you... you needed space. I think.”

“So instead of talking to me about it like an adult you just decided to sleep on the couch.”

Gavin was blushing now. “I just didn’t want...”

“Gavin if I’m ignoring you and it bugs you, you need to tell me. This isn’t _my_ place. It’s _our_ place. If I want space, I’ll tell you, and we’ll work it out. If you want to be away, that’s fine.”

Gavin blinked. “Okay...”

Niles picked up the blanket and walked back into the bedroom. Gavin followed. Niles glared at him until Gavin got into the bed, and then Niles got in, letting the extra blanket go over them both. Meatball was already buried in the pillows. 

Niles didn’t snuggle up to Gavin, but he did watch the other man.

“You never really said why you always seemed to prefer my place,” Gavin said, trying to make conversation. He wasn’t as sleepy as he was before.

Niles easily responded, “You had a cat.”

“I swear to god if every answer you give about my life is about my damn cat…”

Niles grinned. “Cat owners cannot fully comprehend the want that former cat owners have for feline companionship. You have a cat, and therefore must deal with all their issues. Former cat owners must lament their loss. Usually by tragically dirty talking strangers while ingesting mass quantities of questionable substances.”

“You could have gotten your own cat.”

“Well I did. Irritating and needy as he was. And Meatball was a bonus.”

“Are you calling me a cat?”

“Of course not. You’re not nearly as fluffy.” Niles reached out and lightly traced Gavin’s jaw with his fingertips. “And maybe… maybe I thought that if I had you less physically in my life – in my own home space – the relationship we had would somehow go away before whatever I felt for you worsened. So I just went to your place for the sex, or so I thought. It’s not a nice thought, Gavin. Which is probably why I talk more about your cat.”

“Oh.”

Niles moved his fingers down to trace Gavin’s collarbone.

Gavin looked down and said, “We… I mean we’ve been… more touchy… since we got back together. But is that… is that something you like?”

Niles considered this for a while before answering. “Yes, I think so. I’m usually not very physically intimate with partners outside sex. Usually it’s just not something I prefer to do with a stranger. But with you… I like it.”

“Before… you seemed to really hate it. But I just wondered if you didn’t say anything now because I was like… injured.”

“When we were together before, I… being physical outside of sex made me feel things I didn’t quite understand.” Niles moved forward until he could touch his forehead to Gavin’s. “It’s… it’s part of what made me realize I like you. Not touching you… I hoped it might kill the feeling, maybe. I’ve never been a very touchy person before. I figured maybe it was just weird that I wanted to. But being around you like this…” He put a hand on Gavin’s shoulder and traced patterns there.

“You don’t have to do it if it makes you uncomfortable,” Gavin said. “And I can stop if you—”

“I don’t want you to stop,” Niles said. “And if I do, I’ll say something. And you’ll say something to me if you want _me_ to stop, okay?”

“…Okay.”

“Truth be told,” Niles said, “When you first touched me that time at my brother’s place… after that lovely little fuck…”

Gavin snorted.

Niles grinned, “I felt… something. I don’t know.” He sighed. “Part of the reason I just didn’t do it is because _this_ part, the part where we have to talk about it and try to understand it, is just so exhausting.”

Gavin light brushed Niles’ arm with his fingers.

“But it’s worth it. To me,” Niles continued. “It’s always worth it, now. Maybe I liked you all the way back then and didn’t realize it. It certainly made every non-sexual touch afterward feel magnified 100 times more.”

Gavin didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Stay in the bed with me tonight, please?” Niles asked, finally shutting his eyes. “I like having you here.”

“I’ll stay,” Gavin replied, shutting his eyes, too.

“Good.”

* * *

 Some days were better than others.

            Gavin came home – calling Niles’ place _home_ was always an effort, sometimes he caught himself driving to his old apartment – and just lay facedown on the couch, wanting to never see another dead body again.

            “You want me to get you something?” Niles asked as he walked to the kitchen. He’d been reading in the bedroom while waiting for Gavin to come home. He kept late hours. Later with Gavin back in his life.

            “Brain bleach,” Gavin replied, slightly muffled around the couch cushions.

            “Maybe tomorrow,” Niles replied, starting some tea. “I don’t think alcohol is a good idea right now. It’s late, even for us.”

            “Ugh,” Gavin said, sitting up and roughing up his hair so it was even more of a mess. “I guess. Fowler gave me the day off tomorrow at least, which is nice.”

            “So I have you all to myself?” Niles said as he sat on the couch, staring at Gavin.

            “Don’t you… have school or something?” Gavin’s cheeks were already warming. He probably smelled bad from being out and around. The crime scene wasn’t… well.

            “School holiday. And I got my work done early.” He leaned in and nosed Gavin’s neck.

            Gavin leaned back on the couch, lightly touching Niles’ thigh. “I should… probably take a shower…”

            “You smell like leather. I love the smell of your jacket.” Niles pulled the collar aside to kiss Gavin’s shoulder.

            “Nnn…” Gavin said. “I… really, I should get cleaned off. A car wash probably wouldn’t get the crime scene off me.” He swallowed, as the details filled in, and he pushed away from Niles and stood up. He fussed with his hair again. “It just… it wasn’t great.”

            “You don’t want to talk about it?”

            “You don’t… you shouldn’t have to deal with it…”

            “I’m your boyfriend, I should have to deal with what bothers you. It’s part of how I show I care.”

            “But…” Gavin sighed. He turned to Niles. “Doesn’t it… bug you? Like… you’ve taken on so much. Even when… even the first time we were together, you just… you had to deal with everything, and I…” He scratched at his hair.

            Niles stood up and lightly grabbed Gavin’s arms. “Stop doing that. You might hurt yourself.”

            “I just… you took care of me while I was injured. You took me into your apartment. You look after my cat. And now this… I feel like you give so much and I just… I just don’t give back to you. You know?” Gavin stared at the floor.

            Niles pulled Gavin back to the couch, now holding his hands. “First off, it’s _our_ apartment. When we decided to move in together, we picked one of our places to live in, and that became _our_ place. So I didn’t take you in. You live in this space with me, as shared owner, as indicated by how you also share the living expenses. Meatball is still your cat by dent of you being his first owner, but given that he lives in our shared living space, I like to think he’s also _my_ cat now. If only because he also likes to sleep on me half the time.”

            Gavin snorted. “He’s such a suck-up.”

            “Of course he is. He’s a cat.”

            That made Gavin laugh.

            “Gavin, you listen to me talk about my job all the time. I know you can’t tell me everything about what it is you do, for any number of reasons, but it seems to me that if we’re weighing things we shouldn’t be weighing anyway because we’re dating and living together, the status quo of who bears the brunt of offloading about work is you. And some trade-off is due for me to listen to you offload. As needed. Somehow.”

            Gavin’s mouth was pressed in a line. He just wasn’t convinced.

            “You give a lot in our relationship,” Niles said, quieter. “You watch things I like with me. You go out with me to meet my friends, obnoxious as many of them are. You’ve tried all kinds of terrible and some good food with me, much as we frequently regret it. You get drunk or high or whatever with me. You have this wonderful body you let me play with to my heart’s content.” Niles rubbed circles on Gavin’s hands. “And there’s the blowjobs, which are pretty good.”

            Gavin snorted again.

            “You can hold your own when I’m talking shit,” Niles said. “Which is rare in my circle of friends. We’re both hard, personality-wise, in our own ways. It’s something I always appreciated about you, even when I didn’t quite realize it. And if you recall, when we first started our… relationship, that night you told me you liked me, I made it clear that the whole thing would wear on you. And you still wanted in, anyway. You still wanted to be around me, even under the burden of knowing I didn’t like you. That’s… Knowing you were willing to do that because of how you felt about me, is more than anything I can ever imagine paying back, if we’re looking at debts, or who gives more.”

            Gavin swallowed.

            “…Okay?” Niles asked.

            “…Yeah.”

            Niles smiled. “Let’s go take that shower.”

            “…Yeah.”

            Niles started to pull away to head to the shower, but Gavin held his hand. Niles paused and looked at him. Gavin swallowed.

            “I… I love you, you know?”

            Niles blinked at him. Then smiled again.

            “Yes. I know.” He walked back and leaned his forehead against Gavin’s. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! All the kudos and comments warm my heart!
> 
> (Also I'm so sorry for the wonky formatting istg this site hates me)


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